i love my mom (and drugs)

My mom just visited me for a couple of days. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I have to admit that I was apprehensive about her trip to NY because I am…a bad daughter. I am impatient with her and I constantly knit-pick everything she does…which she doesn’t deserve at all. You see, my mom and I are two very, very different people. She is very down-to-Earth, soft-spoken, simple, and moral….and I am, well, Jackie. She swears by discount bargain grocery outlets, I visit the Chanel boutique weekly. She is obsessed with dieting and eating healthy, I have the same eating and lifestyle habits of the late Chris Farley. Beyond bone structure and a weakness for sweets, we are as different as British Prime Minister Tony Blair and child rap star Lil’ Bow Wow.

Usually, when we part ways at the end of a visit, I feel immense guilt about all the rude things I said to her and my constant cursing and binge drinking. This didn’t happen this time and it is not because I am changing into a mature woman (of course not). The solution to my years of inner struggle was simple: pot. All that time spent avoiding my mom when I was stoned was wasted....I could have been cultivating a richer relationship with this woman.

Every chance I had, I would sneak off into my roommate’s room and smoke a little bowl. Almost instantly, irritable bratty bad daughter turned into free-spirited funny daughter who is warm and almost poetic. This was good. We ended up doing things that we both enjoyed like getting pedicures, going to a comedy show, and getting Italian pastries. And I don’t feel bad that pot helps me appreciate my mom more. Don’t get me wrong---she is the most beautiful, sweet mom ever. It is just hard to relate sometimes and the pot really just helps me get past all the little pet peeves I have and the fact that its hard to share my little apartment with anyone…let alone the person that embodies all the fears of everything I don’t want to, but will eventually, become.

Perhaps drugs aren’t quite so bad. Just like I needed Adderall to help me concentrate whilst studying for my first year of law school and just how I needed alcohol to make myself interested in certain dates, I feel that drugs (illegal and legal) play a very positive role in maintaining the structure of our social communities and preserving the sanctity of the nuclear family. So, this Thanksgiving, don’t be afraid to bring your stash along with you in order to make yourself more agreeable and fun. Just remember that certain drugs, such as ecstacy and magic mushrooms, can potentially have the opposite effect….so be sure to test out the drugs toleration effects with others such as distant friends and exes first before you shoot up heroin at Aunt Mary's baby shower. Other than that, it’s all good.

philly, you dirty whore, i love you.

I went to Philadelphia for the weekend. Stepping back into my messy Chinatown apartment, I felt as if I had just had my ass kicked by a posse of ninjas. It was a good weekend.

Here’s a list of things I did:
• Went to Dirty Franks with Dana, Sue, and Jasen
• Went to the trashy titty bar and had strippers give ME money with their teeth in my bra. Heh.
• Went to the fabulous Oregon diner and had the most unhealthy breakfast possible
• Went to the Philly zoo and got stoned and saw an elephant go crazy
• Went to Ruth and Joey’s place for a party and had a blast
• Went and got smashed at gay bars with my boys

Somewhere in between all of this, I met with my husband and we signed our divorce papers over whiskey at a corner bar. Afterwards, I felt just as happy as I did on the day that we got married. It was a new beginning and I had so much to look forward to. I also realized that though sometimes I go out for one drink on Thursday and don’t come home until Saturday, I am capable of making good decisions for myself. Getting married to my ex was not a mistake at all, but getting divorced was, by far, a great decision for the both of us. I will be celebrating my new divorce next in 10 days with the entire male population of Reykjavik. Hurray for divorce!

So, overall, the trip to Philly was fantastic. I was ready to be back in NY but I definitely appreciated the trees, the saturated fat, the cheap alcohol, and all of my amazing friends. I have pictures on my Flickr which might be more interesting than this blog entry.

My mom is coming on Wednesday so now I have to clean up, do laundry, make up for lost time with my vibrator, buy healthy food so she doesn’t realize that I have the diet of a billy goat (other than that 400 pounds I have gained since I last saw her), and formulate a mother/daughter quality spending time itinerary. Ok, so I’m going to get started now….where are my batteries?
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blog.

So...I always said that I would never get a blog, but then again I also said that I would never choose money over love, compromise my dignity or moral integrity for opportunities, or smoke crack (accident). Never say never because never usually finds a way to eventually bite you in the ass.
To me, blogs have always seemed a way for egotistical people to get on a soapbox and talk about themselves in the hope that others might care. So, naturally, as an egotistical person that likes to talk about myself, a blog seemed perfect for me.
Hmm, so today, I fell down half a flight of stairs and this woman walked in on me at the bathroom at Starbucks. I also bought a new dress. And I came home to enjoy a delicious salad but the lettuce I bought YESTERDAY was all slimy and moldy. This is the third time this has happened when I bought produce from Trader's Joes. The staff is nice there, but I would rather they called me a "fat slut" if it would mean that I might actually get a quality product. Whatever. I can say I won't shop there again but I don't have time to adhere to my convictions...or even remember what my convictions are.
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xoxox
Jackie